If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
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I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.