More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
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This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food