A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
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a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Truth
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though