Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
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Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]