Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
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the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL