Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
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If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol