Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
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SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!