I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
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losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.