Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
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Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
when dads have a rap battle
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.