I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
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If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb