This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
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– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.