two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
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Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.