Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
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May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again