Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
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Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
The devil.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon