Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
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My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
socratic questions
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.