Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
You Might Also Like
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED