23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
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[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
happy friday
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.