mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
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For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower