We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
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HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Pringles
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.