This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
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I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
No way!
Erm…
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I hope this email finds you in a well
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend