If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
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My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
‘I know a black person’
– White people