Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
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VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”