To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
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do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”