I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
You Might Also Like
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
2022: I can fix it
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.