Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
You Might Also Like
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.