[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
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Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise