Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
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Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Breaking news:
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
That’s no pocket rocket.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW