{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
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Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.