Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
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Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Webb. James Webb.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications