As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
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Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!