I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
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Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.