I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
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I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
me irl
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.