I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
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Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours