Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
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Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”