I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
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[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.