My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
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7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*