why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
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If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.