Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
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My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.