If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
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My neck my back my allergy attack
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Meat Cute
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease