Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
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Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
How do you milk an almond?
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
found my next D&D character name
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.