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I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.