therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
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Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
What flavor cupcake are these
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.