Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
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Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.