For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
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Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!