I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
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Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Happy birthday to all the women
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.