me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
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Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
This headline is a thing of beauty
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
waiting for halloween be like: