Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
getting groceries
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.