My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
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“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …