Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
You Might Also Like
New menu item
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.