When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
You Might Also Like
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
The answer is funnier than the question
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.